John N. N. Ng'ang'a

Is Your Marriage Christian Or Traditional

When I was at the university in the nineteen seventies, I had difficulty being taught by professors. The number of professors back then was very low, compared to the current times. I had difficulty understanding any professor I interacted with. Finally, I asked myself what the problem was. If somebody is called a professor and is trying to explain something he knows very well, but I have difficulty understanding it, what was the problem? Then, somebody explained to me that a professor is a person who has been continuously learning for a long time, and over time he knows more and more about less and less, until he knows too much about very little now. Yet, he has to teach the whole subject.

I seemed to believe that a professor would find it difficult teaching a first-year class, that it would be better to assign such a class to a tutorial fellow, because a tutorial fellow is only slightly above the students in terms of academic knowledge. So, every time a professor entered our class, I felt, oh, no; not again.

I had a wrong belief that influenced my attitude and my behaviour. Because I believed that a professor is a person who would not understand my level, as soon as I got to know that the person lecturing was a professor, my mind stopped comprehending what he was saying. From that point, I would feel like a private student, although in class. I was better off reading on my own in the library.

My belief that a professor could not teach well determined my attitude towards him. Even if he was teaching well, I could not understand, because I believed that he was way above my level. The problem was not his teaching; it was my attitude towards him. But really, my attitude was not the problem; the problem was my belief. In order to understand professors, I needed a change in my belief, so as to see a professor as somebody who knows too much about too little, so when teaching a first-year class, all he needs to do is go and pull out content for a first-year class. So, he would not teach me at his level, he would teach me at my level. If my belief would change, then the next time a professor comes to class, I would be able to listen to him because my attitude would be, he is not teaching me what he knows, but what he thinks I should know. That way, I would no longer doze in his class. So, dozing was not the problem, it was my attitude. And my attitude was not the problem, the problem was my belief.

We can talk about difficulties in your marriage because of misunderstandings in regard to finances, but I do not have to go into the details of your finances, to find out what the problem is; what I need to find out is, what is your belief about money? Your problem is not how much money you have at your disposal; your problem is your belief about money. Whether you have a lot of it, or just a little, is not the problem.

Behaviour betrays belief, therefore, as soon as I know what you are doing, I can deduce what you believe. So, if you are married, and you allow me to go through all your expenditures for the last six months,

I would know, despite all you tell me, your belief about marriage. You might have been telling me how much you love your wife, but if I can’t see anything in your expenditures that you bought for your wife in the last six months, I would not doubt what you told me – that you love her – but I would know what your attitude is, towards women.

If I discover that you run separate accounts, though married, then I know that you run money issues separately. The behaviour that I get to see is that you run separate accounts, but I immediately understand that you don’t believe in financial one-ness.

So, if I wanted to help you, the important thing would be to deal with your belief.

Is your marriage a Christian marriage, or a traditional one? Until you determine which one it is – Christian or traditional – you’ll have problems in your marriage.

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