John N N Ng’ang’a Meditation of January 20th, 2025….Infidelity….Why sex only in marriage ?
Day 1
We have a very interesting subject, as we are discussing, how to manage your sexual drive. That’s one way of putting it. It is a gift of God and like fire, it can burn or cook. The choice is yours. And so the question will be how you manage it because it is a gift to you.
Earlier we spent quite a bit of time defining it . We looked at Hebrews 13:4. read again,
marriage should be honoured by all and the marriage bed kept pure for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
We emphasized the word marriage and that it should be honoured. In other words God’s decision is that people must get married before any sex encounter. The idea that you can actually start enjoying sexual favours outside marriage is out. That way you dishonor marriage. Isn’t it? Whenever you actually sleep outside your marriage you are dishonouring marriage and since the commandment of God is you honour marriage, you will not be up against your spouse only, but against God.
This is because it is not your spouse who made the commandment, it is God. And I think we spent quite a bit of time emphasizing that. Yes Marriage should be honoured.
The other word we emphasized is it should be honored by all. In other words there are no certain people who are exceptions. Who can ignore the marriage issue and still be okay? Which is what is happening today. It sound like marriage has become such under valued issue, people feel like, let’s come and we stay. Ever heard of those things? That way We try marriage. You can’t try marriage. You are either married or you are not married. So you can’t try marriage.
And a lot of people feel like, trying is possible.What about if we enter into it and it can’t last? So they kind of stay together, sleep together as they try. The Bible is saying that is dishonouring marriage and there is no exception allowed. In other words we spent quit a bit of time looking at there are certain circumstances where you feel like the issues are such an exception is needed.
What can I do. The bible says, no to you for all are included in the rule. And we said the way to honour marriage is to keep the bed pure. In other words ensure that bed has only two people and nobody else is welcome outside those. That is what it means to keep pure.
The verse then says, if you don’t actually obey this law, God will judge you. In other words if you want a curse, not from your husband, not from your wife but from God, dishonor the marriage bed. It is important to understand you are dealing with God in all these areas.
Then we now will spend a bit of time just trying to define what sexual immorality is all about. Because you see the verse said God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Why differentiate between adulterers and the sexually immoral? And I mentioned yesterday it is because you can be one without being the other. Adulterer in a simple definition is somebody married sleeping with somebody else who they are not married to. But sexually immoral is a much wider term.
So as we look at that, sexual immorality is referring to having sex with anyone else other than your wedded wife. you know we are talking about a marriage bed to be honoured. Means you must be married to have sex. So if you enter into a sex relationship and you are not married, then there is going to be a problem. So whether it is before you are married or after you are married it is still sexual sin. In other words we are talking about sexual immorality of all sorts.
For example, you have a boyfriend and that boyfriend has already promised to marry you. Two days to the wedding he says, you know we are just going to be married in two days. Do you know even if it happens two days to the wedding, it is still sexual immorality. Immorality is to sleep with anyone you are not yet wedded to. And it is a very important subject to deal with because that becomes very complicated. That’s why the church emphasizes that all of us must be wedded.
But And let me differentiate between a wedding and a marriage. Wedding is an event, marriage is a lifetime. And we are saying wedding is the thing that comes before marriage. But for some people marriage comes before the wedding. In fact these days that is becoming like a common thing. You know, very few people are getting wedded before they are married. You know what I am talking about! the Bible actually says that if you sleep with a woman you have become one with her. And what that means is that you are married yet not wedded. That’s complicated because that means every girl you have ever slept with you ‘married’ her. But that’s the word of God. it is saying anybody you sleep with you become one with him. So what that means is that if before the wedding day you actually slept with your current husband, it means the wedding day was just a joke. You were married earlier and you are playing games with us. Basically your wedding was drama. Obviously God forgives any one who repents.
Day 2
According to God, marriage is consummated by having sex. And by the way not just God, the law in Kenya also. You check it up. If you wed on a Saturday, three months later, if you are able to prove in a court that you have not slept with the man, the lawyers tell us that marriage is void abinitio, which means it never existed from the beginning. And you actually then can get automatic divorce., the marriage never existed. Because to consummate marriage is critical. Marriage does not begin because the pastor says so. One of the things that remains after the pastors pronouncement is to sleep with the woman. If you don’t consummate it you are not yet married. So the whole issue about sex is that important. Sex is the one that consummates what marriage is. The law in Kenya recognizes it and the Bible recognizes it that you are not married if you cannot sleep together. It is very important to understand that.
What I am trying to emphasize to you then is, wait for the wedding. I know some of you are not yet married so they should then understand that if you touch the girl friend , please tell us on the wedding day we are playing games. We are just watching, drama. You know these days they are even putting weddings on TV. So basically you are just acting. That’s the whole process.
However what I am saying is not something people are taking seriously. Even in church these people feel like just because you have agreed the two of you will marry, you can sleep together now. You can’t. Because if you do, then you don’t need to call us for the wedding except as drama. Of course you can call us for a wedding for we want your cake but tell us basically you are just giving us a cake as drama because the actual sexual act is the consummation of marriage done earlier. So what we are then saying is sexual immorality is not just after the marriage,unlike adultery… even before the marriage it is sexual immorality. And it is very important then we understand that.
You know that’s one of the things that is very complicated because on the wedding day the pastor asks, is there a reason why this cannot be holy matrimony.There is a couple I have been counseling before their wedding. And the pastor asks, is there anybody who knows a reason why these people cannot be joined in holy matrimony. If you know you slept together, then you are already joined, then you should confess, tell people, yes I know. Even you two, do you know any reason why you cannot be joined in holy matrimony? Pastor asks.If you know you slept together earlier, the truth is you know you are playing games, for you are already married. And it is very important to understand that. So when you talk about sexual immorality, it includes that.
Thus before you touch a woman sexually, the thing that you need is long term commitment. I have told you wedding is the start of a marriage and what it means is before you can sleep with a woman you must make long term commitment. What is a wedding? A wedding is a long term commitment to one another. Isn’t that what a wedding is? What that means is that if a boy comes to you sister ask him, sign on the dotted line, after that I am yours. If he doesn’t agree to sign that marriage certificate , if you will go ahead with sex you are getting yourself a curse.
So that that’s how important a wedding is because it turns sex into righteous thing that was a sin one minute before the wedding. That in the morning if you did it you are a sinner. In the afternoon if you did it you are righteous on your way to heaven. All because of that signature on wedding certificate.
God seems to have put sex as so important, yet with conditions. He is not refusing you sex if you are an adult. He only wanted you to enjoy it if you are willing to commit long term. It is not touch and go. In other words I am taking this woman for good and for worse. And as soon as you agreed you are taking her for all her goodness and her risks , when she has afro hairstyle and when it gets grey, once you agree to take her like that, then God says it is okay now you can sleep with her.
I may not give the reasons for God to demand that, that for him sex is okay but you must say first of all, whether are you willing to take in the consequences. Of course there are many consequences in marriage. One of them is she could become pregnant and sometimes those things are very complicated because the health is affected. It is only after they are pregnant you come and say I did not want a baby .He says:Why were you not looking after yourself? You are an educated woman. You should have ensured you don’t get pregnant. I do not want a foolish woman in my house. That’s the end of the come we stay. Are there not many people like that? When sex happened he looked in love. After it happens, it is too late to refuse her if you are responsible man . And if you don’t think I am the originator of the idea, go to the son and daughter of King David. This boy who is a half brother to the sister decides that he is so much in love he tricks even the father the king in order for the girl to come to his house. He was so much in love such that he ended up raping her. I think that was lust.You know the story in the bible.
The Bible tells us that after the act, he looked at the girl and he hated her more than he had loved her. Have you read that in the Bible? Something happens that when you decide to have sex before the wedding day.You ruin your own marriage. Because somehow that thing seems to chicken the person…he no longer values you as much.He wonders : If she was really a good woman how come she said yes. If she said yes to me, how many other people does she consent to? And yet you know very well you only said yes to him because he said he would die without sex and you didn’t want the boyfriend to die. But You need to understand that after it has happened, he sees you as cheap and you can check it in the scriptures. It sounds like something happens after sexual immorality.
Day 3
I want to tell you and I am now talking to singles. If you are married this message is not yours just now. I am telling you single that your marriage will be the better if you say no to him. Because somehow he will have respect for you. Let me tell you that there are several things that go wrong if you have sex before the wedding day. Even after thirty years in marriage,you cannot trust him with women. What happens is, in your mind whenever you go for a trip for three months, you wonder, if she could not wait when he was single… can he wait now.Are you getting the point?
So although you know she is saved you start wondering, aaai, I know I worked on her, but if she could give in to me, who else can she give in to.
But it helps when you marry as virgin.When you realize that your wife came to you as a virgin and that she waited despite the temptations especially if you courted long enough .The temptations were in plenty and yet she said no and remained righteous. After that , even if you go to Japan for a year you know that girl of mine, she will stay and wait because she trusts the Lord.
She is not remaining righteous for me, even when she was saying no to me, is because she loved the Lord more than me. And if she loved the Lord more than me and if she loves the Lord more than me even now , it means whatever a man tries, my wife will not give in. So you need to understand that affects your marriage positively if you wait.
Am still talking to single people. That when you actually give in before marriage, you have just spoilt your relationship,and your sexual enjoyment in marriage . When you realize that somebody saved herself just for you, it makes the experience after the marriage much richer . Every time you have sexual relation it just reminds you, this girl is all mine alone. She saved herself just for me. Or she feels this man protected himself just for me. This gives you a lot of confidence. If you really want to enjoy your sexual life after the wedding day, the way to deal with might need even slapping him. Get him out of your house. If he becomes too much the best style is not to negotiate. It will be too late to negotiate when he is full of lust. Get him out of your house.
And by the way he will go away, hate you for an evening, in the morning he says, the reason she chased me really is because she loves the Lord. If she loves the Lord, it means nobody else can play with her. This is the woman I want to marry. So it is important for you to understand as we talk about this issue it requires strong action .
Remember instructions against sexual immorality is a way not of punishing us but of giving us something better. Otherwise, why would God have made it so strict that sex could only be done in marriage and must be honoured? Those of us who are married and are Christians can give testimony. That it is because when you actually remain under God’s law, you enjoy sex more than anybody else.
One of the things that happen with non-christians,is they assume they are better off because they can jump from this woman to that woman, to that woman, even after they are married. Do they enjoy it long term? No, they don’t. The truth is when you do it outside God’s programme you don’t enjoy it fully. In fact you get other problems. It is important to understand that the reason the Lord is restricting you to one woman is because,he wants you to enjoy. God will not benefit in any way, it is because the benefit is all yours. God wants you to enjoy it.
But when we talk about sexual sin or sex before marriage, the word we normally use is fornication. That is the sin done by people who are not married whereas adultery is reserved for people who are married. In other words when we talk about fornication we are talking about single people. Both are sins of sexual immorality, whether it is adultery or fornication. But the word we are using more these days is casual sex. You have heard the word, isn’t it? This is the idea that I can have sex with you for a night but neither you nor me have any intention of a long term relationship. We call it casual sex. And you need to understand that casual sex is the opposite of what I have been describing as marriage. Marriage is a life long commitment to one person.
Day 4
In other words according to the Bible marital sex is the only legal sex. And you know when we talk about, breaking the seventh commandment, thou shall not commit adultery, it is talking about having illegal sex . The law is the seventh commandment and any sex outside the seventh commandment, sex outside marriage, will be breaking the law of God. Even if you are going to marry a girl later , please make sure you sign a long term commitment first.
Let me digress a little. It means those of you who are reading this. And living together yet you have never had a wedding, you don’t have a marriage certificate,are you not breaking Gods law? You know what your husband sometimes thinks, ‘even if I wanted to go outside and marry a new person , what is there for this girl to stop me? What is there for this girl to prove marriage? After all I wasn’t even sure she is the right one when I started staying with her. It leaves in his mind the possibility of your marriage being on or off. Sometimes on, sometimes off. When you annoy him it is off. When you are pleasing him it is on.
That is why the church emphasizes that even if you got into a relationship before the wedding day you need to come to the pastor to bless the deal. By the way you don’t have to give us tea in a reception since you are already together.. That’s not part of the deal. Tea is bonus. You don’t have to give it. All you require is two witnesses and the pastor who will be acting both on behalf of God and on behalf of the government. That way you get marriage certificate even in his office.
You need to ask yourself: if it means without a wedding I might be how do I sort it out? Might I be sinning? And you know you think it is only men who want to withdraw from marriage?. Some sisters are also the same. They get saved well after marraiage and they come for counseling. They say, brother you know our marriage has such difficulties because I entered it when I was a non-christian. And you know I realized I had never made up my mind to marry him. I just got pregnant. Must I stay with him now that I am a christian?
What is she trying to say? That she wants me to counsel her into another marriage. For now wants to leave him , so that she can go to anybody else. Those kind of thoughts die the minute you go before the pastor and you renew the vows and get the marriage certificate signed and it is all settled.
You need to understand that when we talk about that commitment, there may be commitment between yourselves and God, but it also needs to be commitment others can see. That’s why we call it a wedding. So it is important that you actually have a wedding certificate. That one doesn’t mean that you are getting married, you are already married. It means that you are officiating your wedding and praying for blessings for your old marriage.. You are making it official.
But just make it simple. I remember my wife and I running a couple seminar in Eden Rock in Malindi. Some church in Mombasa had invited us. And we talked exactly the way we are discussing now . In the middle of the retreat, somebody went to the pastor and said, surely it means tonight if I sleep with my wife I might be sinning? No, no. I don’t want to sin again. What can you do? Can you sort me out? Fortunately the pastor had carried his marriage certificate. I don’t know why. So the following day I was told before preaching there was a ceremony to be done. And you know they got wedded after over 18 years together. And then the hotel was very good they gave a cake. So it was all sorted out. They had been married for long but all that time,never officiated it. They are pretty rich, well to do people, and in a good church. They kind of played down on it until we talked about. Why is it you don’t want the marriage certificate? Whatever it is that makes the marriage certificate look like it should be tomorrow, or it is not that important, is the thing that will open up when a girl comes who is more beautiful than your wife.
Day 5
So it is important to ask yourself why you are delaying. It is just likesome people, sometimes you hear them say, me I don’t say I am saved and I am a Christian. You hear people say that. What is it that makes you not say it you are saved ? Whatever makes you not say it may be the reason that will send you to hell.When they say we are killing Christians, you say, but have I ever said am one? And that’s why you openly confess salvation. And that’s why you need to sort out you marriage identity . In order to deal with this issue of sex, you need to talk together with your husband and settle the matter.If it is not settled, even if you had your traditional marriage, you know you paid the goats, you need to ask yourself,what would Christ want. For example I am a Kikuyu, Kikuyu getting ngurario confirms you are married but that means you are only wife number one. I can get wife number two later. The only wedding that means you are the only one for life is the Christian marriage act. So when you tell me, but I am married, I ask How? By Luhya customs. It means you are ready for a second wife. So why would you call yourself a Christian and your marriage is Luhya? Luhyas normally can get even twenty wives. Muslims say four but Luhyas can get twenty without a problem. Am I right Luhyas? Quite normal. There is nothing wrong with it.
So you need to ask yourself, what kind of marriage are you talking about? Might the reason why you are not doing a wedding is so that you can have sex with this one, and the next time you have sex with another one, you say I did not sin, she is my second wife. So it is very important that we sort out this issue. I told you all sins are sins that will take you to hell, but there is so much bible talk about sex that God must have known there are very serious consequences.
We have seen that the wedding is the one that makes sex allowable. Any sex without a long term commitment, and I am calling wedding a long term commitment, is sin.If you are not wiling to commit yourself long term you have no reason to touch her.
But the second thing you need to understand is that marriage is one way traffic. It is just like getting into a super highway.But if at that point what do you do? You have to keep going to the wrong way until next exit. Am I right? If you try to change you are committing suicide. Am I right? Because the cars will be coming in a hurry on the wrong way. You know you can start going and say, aah I meant to go towards Mombasa! My friend, you will be dead. That’s what marriage is all about. Even if you took a wrong turn in marrying her , you must continue on the wrong road until the exit and the exit for marriage is called death.
Yes Marriage is one way traffic. So you are allowed to change partners only in the next exit called death. So you need to be aware that you can’t saying but Brother Ng’ang’a the way we are having difficulties with my husband, I will leave him.surely, now yes it is okay change but wait until the legal exit. Any driver knows you are not being told not to change but to change at that point will be dangerous. So you keep going until the next exit.
Day 6
Why did God make it one way traffic? The Bible says He hates divorce. He doesn’t dislike it. What does He say? He Hates it. It means that for him it is too bad to enter into divorce. In other words it is safer to stay with that guy as bad as he is than to try to move out of that life guys. He hates divorce. I mean He could say He doesn’t like. But He didn’t use the word dislike. He used the word hate. Very strong language.
My thinking of the whole thing about why it needs to be long term is because when it is not long term, people will pick drop hurting others. Any relationship between two people is quite a tough thing. I know they repeat in weddings. When you come together the advise people are given is that it is similar to putting two axes in one kiondo, they will always knock each other. You understand what I am talking about? When I was a young man I hated that message. I wondered …am born again. I am Spirit filled. We shall agree.I used to think it is wrong. Over 45 years of marriage with Rebecca has taught me part of it is true. That when you put two axes in one container , somehow they will knock one another.
Do you know something? If one axe knows there is an alternative, it will jump out. I can tell you there is no possibility of marriage lasting if there is easy way out. The only thing that will keep you together is there is no way out. So you realize that this guy is bad, but since he is mine, I will work on him. He brings big teeth but you put bandage. Basically even if he bites you, they can’t produce blood. You work on your guy. He is a lion but toothless. Who has removed the teeth? Slowly and softly the wife did. But if you knew you can jump out of the lions cage, will you stay there long enough to remove the teeth painlessly? but if you know this cage is mine with the lion, you will find a way of dealing with that lion.
So God says sex only with lion in the cage and so work on its teeth. And I think that’s why God put it such that first of all He gave sex which is a wonderful experience and then He says you have sex with your lion. You need to understand that God gave the two so that when you realize it is long term, it is important to find a way of taming your lion. Every lion is tamable and even yours is tamable.
Day 7
So it is very important to understand that we are going in this together long term.It is very, very important because it helps you to work on your marriage. What has happened in the West? In the West even the church has said, now this thing can’t work. I am now being told, after the church opened up to the idea that the scriptures can’t be relied on, that you can divorce, now the divorce rate for the world is becoming equal with the church in America,according to the recent statistics. Because obviously even among Christians the axes are still hurting each other .. isn’t it? So you need to be aware what makes the marriage last is the knowledge that you must stay with your lion.
So it is very important to understand that. That when you open it up to divorce your marriage cannot last. There is no such a marriage as a marriage without a problem. It is only a marriage with marriage problems that has conflict resolution mechanisms that is enjoyed.. And why do I say that? It is very simple, that we are all fallen creature. And because you are fallen, you do not hurt because you are a bad man, you are just a fallen man. And because you are fallen, there will be things your wife will say that annoy you. Once you are annoyed you will say something that annoys her. Two annoyed people can only produce fire works. Isn’t it?
But it is now when you realize, eeh but you know this guy I am staying with long term… what happens? You are able to sort things out. The reason why we enjoy each other’s fellowship with Rebecca is because we forgive one another perpetually. The critical word in marriage is called forgiveness. Any place without forgiveness, there is no marriage that can last. Because I am not such a good guy, although seems maybe good when I am preaching. But you need to understand that if you ask Rebecca, she knows all sides.
But yet we enjoy our marriage. Why? She knows she married a human being and she forgives me. And I know I married a human being. You know boys like calling their girlfriends angels. They are not. That’s a lie. They are very human. So when you realize how human they are, you are able to tackle them softly. So it is very important that you understand this whole issue that it is long term commitment and because of that long term commitment, it makes you enjoy your relationship.
As soon as a problem comes, you don’t look at a way out. You look at a way to solve it out and as long as the gear you engage is a forward gear, do you know your marriage will be okay? And you wonder, how come they enjoy their marriage? The reason we enjoy is not because we don’t get your problems, it is because we don’t look at problems in the same way as you. But when you stay in a home and all you say is that, they will never see grey hair in my house. Ever heard of that? That again I am translating Kikuyu into English. You need to understand when a woman says, grey hair will not be found in this home! It means she will leave you before she is old.Okay, Rebecca and I are past that. We have gray hair. But when they are younger they say, me with this kind of a guy, I cannot wait to get gray hair. Do you know you will not actually get them because you are predicting the whole end of your marriage. As long as that’s what you want ,you will get it. You need to find a way of having marriage that will last.
All this came as a way of emphasizing on the danger of casual sex. What is casual sex? Casual sex is using somebody else as an instrument because then after that you have no commitment. In other words when you sleep with a woman and you have no intention to marry her, you are just using her.
Casual sex is using someone. And many people are used willingly. That’s why prostitutes have no difficulties charging: twenty shillings, three thousand, no no twenty for you. I don’t know their prices. I have never been involved in that area. But you need to understand the reason you are being charged is because there is no relationship, no commitment. So it is services rendered, services to be paid.
You need to understand that causal sex is sex while not having a relationship. Casual sex is using somebody else . Although some people are not paid, they are still used so that any woman you sleep with without a wedding, that’s prostitution even if there is no money because you are actually using her. And would God allow you to use his creation like that ? No, you would be in trouble with God. Remember Sin is against God since the person you are using is God’s creation hence you cannot play with anyone on earth. Not because they themselves refuse but their owner., like for example they may even like a prostitute says, come to me but you know very well even if she is willing to sleep with you, it is sin .When you sleep with her you don’t have trouble with her, you have trouble with her creator. Because it is God who doesn’t want you to use a person because sex was created as a way of uniting two people, not a way of using each other. So it is important that you understand that.
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