John N N Ng’ang’a Meditation of March 17th, 2025. Infidelity is casual sex
Day 1
Moab Seduces Israel
While Israel was staying in Shittim, the men began to indulge in sexual immorality with Moabite women,
Please note that sex is not allowed by God until after the wedding. Any sex before then is immorality or sex without a long-term commitment or casual sex. It is what God calls immorality. The wedding is the beginning of a long-term commitment to each other. If you are not willing to commit yourself long term, you have no reason to touch her sexually.
Married life begins after the wedding, and from then it is like one-way traffic. If in a dual carriageway roundabout, you get a little confused and you turn right when you meant to go left to Mombasa, what will you do? You have to keep going in the wrong direction until the next roundabout or road interchange. If you try to change before then, you are committing suicide. The cars will be coming towards you. My friend, you will be dead.
That is what marriage is all about. Even if you took a wrong turn in marrying her, you must continue on the wrong road until the next roundabout. And the roundabout for marriage is called death. So, you are allowed to change partners but at the next roundabout. But Brother Ng’ang’a, the way we are having difficulties with my husband, surely, is there no other way out? Adultery will be avoided when you realize alternative partners are not allowed and that you can only have sex with your spouse whether she is good or bad.
Day 2
For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
Why did God make marriage like a one-way traffic road? The Bible says He hates divorce. He does not dislike it; what does He do? He hates it. It means that God knows it is too dangerous to allow divorce. It disintegrates society and ruins the next generation. In other words, it would be safer to stay with that guy, as bad as he is, than to try to move out of that marriage.
So, in my thinking, as to why marriage needs to be long-term, it is because when it is not long-term, children will not grow in a stable environment. Any relationship between two people is quite a tough thing. I know they keep repeating in weddings that when you come together, the advice is to remember that if you put two axes in one bag, they will always knock each other. When I was a younger man, I hated that advice. I felt it was negative. Are they not born again and Spirit-filled? Why speak negatively to others? I used to think it was wrong. Over forty years of marriage with Rebecca has taught me part of it is true. That when you put two axes together somehow, they will knock one another.
Do you know something? If one axe knows there is an alternative to being in the bag, it will ‘jump’ out. I can tell you there is no possibility of marriage lasting if there is an easy way out of it. The only thing that will keep you together is if there is no way out. So, you realize this guy is bad, but since he is mine, I will work on him to improve the relationship. This woman is not well-dressed anymore, and so I am tempted to go to this other one, but because there is no way out, I will dress her properly myself. You can cleverly put artificial teeth on his big teeth gap or put a cover over the teeth. So basically, even if he bites you, he cannot produce blood. He is a lion but toothless. Who has removed the teeth? Slowly the wife did without it being noticed.
But if you knew a way out of the lion’s cage, would you stay there? But if you know this cage is mine with the lion, you will find a way of dealing with that lion. I think that is why God put it that way. First of all, He gave sex which is a wonderful experience. And then He says you only have it with a spouse who might be like a lion. You need to understand that God gave the two gifts (long-term marriage and enjoyable sex) so that when you realize it is long-term, you find a way of taming your lion. And every lion can be tamed. So even yours can be tamed. Every lioness can be tamed. Even yours can be tamed.
Thus, do not look for sex elsewhere.
Day 3
For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder,
This marriage permanency helps you to work on your marriage. But what has happened in the west? In the west even the church has said, now this marriage thing cannot work. This springs from the idea that the scriptures cannot be relied on, that you can therefore divorce. Now the divorce rate for the world is becoming equal to that in the church in recent statistics.
Obviously, even among Christians, the axes still collide! So, you need to be aware what makes the marriage last is the knowledge that you must stay with your lion. It is very important to understand that when you are open to possibility of divorce, your marriage cannot last or even if it lasts, adultery will attack it. There is no such marriage as a marriage without a problem. Even happy marriages have marital problems. Happiness comes from their ability to resolve any conflict that comes.
Why do I say that? It is very simple. We are all fallen creatures. And because you are fallen creature, (it is not that you are a bad man), you will hurt your spouse even when you meant it something for good. And because you are fallen, there will be things that your spouse will say that annoy you. Once you are annoyed you will say something that annoys her in turn. Two annoyed people can only produce fireworks. Any woman who woes you at some time will find you an easy prey later.
But when you realize this is the guy I should marry, I am staying with long term, you start creatively looking for ways of resolving the conflicts. So, what happens? I can tell you, the reason why we enjoy each other’s fellowship with Rebecca over fourty years is because we forgive one another. The critical word in marriage is called forgiveness. Any place without forgiveness, there is no marriage that can last. Instead of going for sex outside marriage, why not forgive each other?
Despite my wife and I being very opinionated, but you know we still enjoy our marriage. Why? She knows she married a human being, and she forgives and accepts me. And I know I married a human being. You know boys like calling their girlfriends angels. They are not. That is a lie. They are very human. So, when you realize how human they are, you are able to forgive them.
So, because of that long-term commitment it makes you enjoy your relationship despite hiccups once in a while. As soon as a problem comes, you do not look for a way out, you look for a way to sort the problem out. And as long as the gear you engage is a forward gear, do you know your marriage will be okay long term? And you wonder, how come older couples seem to enjoy their marriage? The reason we enjoy it is not because we do not get your problems, it is because we do not look at the problem negatively in the same way you do.
But when you stay in a home and all you say is, they will never see my grey hair in this home, it will not last. Ever heard of that? You need to understand when a woman says, grey hair will not be found in this home, she has no long-term view for her marriage. But when you are younger you say, me! With this kind of a guy? I cannot stay until grey hair. Do you know you will not actually get them because you are predicting your own end of marriage.
As long as that is what you want, you will get it. You are draining yourself of energy to fight for your marriage. You need to find a way of having a marriage that will last. You will look for sex elsewhere.
Day 4
Instead, we should write to them, telling them to abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood
No wonder I look at casual sex as a way to kill your marriage. What did we say casual sex is? Casual sex is using somebody else as an instrument because then you have no commitment to them long term. In other words when you sleep with a woman and you have no intention of marrying her, you are just using her. Casual sex is using someone. And many people, men and women, are used. That is why prostitutes have no difficulties even if you never go back to them since you paid for using them . Twenty shillings, three thousand each, twenty of you! I do not know their prices. I have never been involved in that area. But you need to understand the reason you are paying is because there is no commitment long term. So, it is services rendered, services to be paid for. But even if you do not pay it is still using the person to meet your immediate need.
Thus, casual sex is sex without having a long-term relationship. Any woman you sleep with before a wedding, that is prostitution even if there is no exchange of money because you are actually using her. A promise of marriage is not a marriage, Could you pay for property without insisting of transfer of title before completing the payment? Then wait for the wedding certificate to confirm the promise. Otherwise, you are using that girl. And would God allow you to misuse his creation? No. You will be in trouble with God for doing so.
Sin is against God since the person you are using is God’s creation. Hence you cannot play around with anyone on earth, not because they themselves refuse but because their creator tells you not to do it. you know very well even if she is willing to sleep with you, when you sleep with her, you do not have trouble with her, you have trouble with her creator. it is God who does not want you to use a person. Sex was created as a way of uniting two people, not as a way of using each other. So, it is important that you understand that.
So casual sex is sleeping with anyone without a long-term commitment.
Day 5
Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.
When you open up this issue of sexual immorality, it brings up other areas of immorality. Do you know masturbation is also a sin? what is masturbation? Masturbation is enjoying sex with yourself. There is not commitment to another of opposite gender because you are having sex with yourself. God said, Sex is good and enjoyable but must be done with opposite gender to who you have long term commitment. You enjoy it if you first make a long-term commitment to your spouse.
So, you say, I do not intend to get married, so I will sleep with myself. That is what masturbation is. Enjoying sex with yourself. In this sense you are misusing yourself. And obviously you know a guy who is condemned in the scriptures because he actually withdrew from a woman during a sex act. He got a sexual release without the girl fully participating. The reason is he did not want her to get pregnant.
Sex must be allowed in marriage, not anywhere else. But I think it is important for us to understand the whole issue of masturbation as a non-Christian thing. And the reason it is non-Christian is because sex serves as God’s gift under certain conditions… in marriage bed. The marriage bed must be held honourable. So, if you have masturbation, you actually get sexual release outside the marriage bed. You are getting sexual joy or sexual experience without long term commitment. You do not involve another. And that is why a lot of people say it is okay.
Our children are being taught there is nothing wrong with masturbation. After all, you will not end up with HIV AIDS. That the way to avoid AIDS is to masturbate. And I used to think it is a boys problem. I am told a lot of girls are actually masturbating also. So, it is no longer now just a boy’ issue, it is also girls because of the teachings we are giving them.
You remember worldview? Whereas some people in our generation thought it is a very bad thing, the new generation does not think it is a very serious issue. But you need to understand it is exactly the same evil thing. When the Bible is saying marriage must be honoured, it means you can only enjoy sex in marriage. So, you cannot start masturbating, experiencing sexual release with yourself because then you will be disobeying God’s command.
Day 6
Nevertheless, I have this against you: Y: you tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophet. By her teaching she misleads my servants into sexual immorality and the eating of food sacrificed to idols.
But of course, you are asking me Brother Ng’ang’a are you not making it too complicated! What are young single people to do with their sex drive and they do not want to use others? You need to understand that when you steal it does not matter whether you are hungry. A thief is a thief even if he stole out of hunger. So, if you want to enjoy sex, you go to God and apply for it. It is important. So you cannot say it is okay since I did it due to sex pressure. No, no, no. The Bible is saying you are not allowed to enjoy it. You cannot say I did it because my wife denied sex for long time. It still sin.
Like we saw earlier many people that are masturbating are ending up in problems because when you masturbate especially when you are single, even after you are married, there is a certain way you have been enjoying sex that does not come when it is your wife. So many married men still masturbate, and it affects the quality of their marriage. Marriage does not seem to stop it. So, the wife wonders how come I am never satisfied? It is because the guy is having sex with himself. So, by the time she discovers, it devastates her But he has been having sex with himself all the time. All because he started it in a small way then he got addicted to it because most of the sexual issues are addictive.
Any sex type is addictive. In fact, a lot of people when you sleep with your girlfriend you sleep once, and you intend to do it just once. Never. Do you know that once makes the second one very easy? So that if you never want to do it, do not do it even the first time. And that is basically what we are saying about masturbation.
Day 7
In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.
Then the other thing in casual sex we need to mention is homosexuality. Some people are not in masturbation, they go for homosexuality. Here in homosexuality is that you do not want to masturbate with all its connotations. You therefore turn to Homosexuality where you actually now decide, I do not want to end up with this guilty conscience of having sex with myself or with another who can get pregnant. So, you go for another person of your gender. After all you do not to be accused of going with men. So, you go with other girls.
Look at Romans 1:26,
because of this God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.
Are you getting it? Because of giving up God, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Why are they shameful? Because women wanted to have sex with other women. In case you think it is just this prohibition is only in the New Testament, let’s go to the Old Testament. Leviticus 18:22,
do not lie with a man as a man lies with a woman. That is detestable.
Some time back I was in South Africa and got a book from a church, written by a church of homosexuals. Christians who are homosexuals. It is a big book written by many Theologians trying to justify homosexuality. The title is Aliens in God’s Church. In other words, they argue we belong to the church, but people are rejecting us.
But in the above verses, can you see how clear the word of God is? It says clearly,
do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman.
It is absolutely clear. And whether we are talking about two women or two men, God is absolutely clear. It is characteristic of a depraved man, whom God has a given up on, for you as man to be interested in another man sexually. Sex is only allowed with members of the opposite gender and even then within long term commitment.
But I think you start understanding then that it does not matter which category we are talking about. Whether it is homosexuality, whether it is masturbation, whether it is other casual sex, whatever issue, the word of God is categorical and clear. It is condemned. You are supposed to only have sex within marriage. And when you have it outside you are breaking Gods law.
The only good thing is that God is a forgiving God. Do you know that? If you repent, he can even give you secondary virginity. In other words, He is able to forgive you, sort out your marriage, and you will live like you had never sinned justified.
But you must begin by calling it sin. As long as you cover it up, thinking that it was not a very bad thing, that given the circumstances it is understandable, you will not be forgiven but condemned. God does not forgive excuses; He only forgives repented sin. If you can go and admit with your husband that what you did before the wedding day was sin, God is willing to forgive and sort it out. Even if there is something you have been doing after you are married, God is willing to forgive but it all begins by repentance. And when you repent, He can restore you and help you to have a good marriage within the rules of the scriptures. But you must be willing to repent.
Let’s pray that He may show us that he truly wants us to live righteously. But we cannot do it within His power. We need to seek His help. First of all, to admit our sinfulness. Secondly to admit where we have played wrong but thirdly to seek His help that He may truly give us the energy to live righteously as we relate with one another and with our spouses.
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