Daily Meditations from John N N Ng'ang'a: Week of 23 – 29 May 2011— Communication in Marriage
Day 1
Genesis28:1
So Isaac called for Jacob and blessed him. Then he commanded him: “Do not marry a Canaanite woman
As I write this, I am asking myself about marriage, “What is the one thing that is most important to look as concerns success in marriage?”
My wife and I have been married for about thirty two years. Looking at that time, what is one challenging area in marriage that can prevent me from enjoying marriage, the way God wanted me to? For many, marriage is one thing they endure rather than enjoy! I can say upfront that that’s not how God intended marriage to be. It is His intention that you enter into marriage and enjoy it.
It is my prayer is that, God, in His own way, will help us all enjoy our marriages.
So what are the keys to success in marriage?
First, who you marry is the key to a good marriage. I would advise that you do not marry a “Canaanite”! But if you already married to one, seek to bring him or her to the Lord for salvation.
As I thought over this, I felt that the second key is Communication in Marriage. Once married communication is the one thing that can either help you to enjoy marriage or cause you to endure marriage. And it is my prayer that God in his own way will help us to deal with that issue.
Day 2
Gen2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh
The reason why communication is so crucial for marriage is simply that marriage is about communication! In other words it is a relationship between two people and for them to actually in any way be able to transact the business of marriage, then communication is the critical thing. That is, actually, how they ‘cleave’ to each other.
You cannot say that there is a relationship between people if they don’t communicate. Even if you don’t know each other’s language, there must be a method you will have to create for you to say you are relating. If you do not communicate then you really don’t have any relationship at all.
That’s why a lot of people are housemates rather than couples. Although they share a house or the kitchen, they may have different bedrooms and might have little or nothing to do with each other. As long as you write clear rules, so that may by seven to eight, so and so is the one who uses the kitchen and then eight to nine is somebody different, you can actually live in the same house as housemates and not relate.
Day 3
Gen 2:25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
If you really want to do the business of marriage it is critical that you must be involved in communication. And if you do not intend to communicate then, I think, it would be very difficult for you to actually transact the business of marriage.
Obviously, what is surprising is the fact that people are not forced into marriages. Couples voluntarily come together. Isn’t it then very surprising that although they voluntarily came together, which means they must had been meeting, that finally when they begin the business of marriage communication suffers?
It should have been obvious, during courting, that you have difficulty in communication. Were you not talking? How come that in marriage itself communication becomes such a difficult thing?
One reason for no communication is fear of disclosure but marriage requires nakedness with no shame!
Day 4
Acts7:26
The next day Moses came upon two Israelites who were fighting. He tried to reconcile them by saying, ‘Men, you are brothers; why do you want to hurt each other?
I want to suggest that the second cause leading to no communication in marriage is that each of us has strengths and weaknesses that may lead us to hurt each other.
People are like porcupines. Ever heard of porcupines? A Porcupine is an animal quite common in Africa. At least it is found in my home village on the slopes of the Aberdare ranges. One of the things that you will note about porcupines is that they relate with each other just like people. But porcupines have one problem, when it gets cold, porcupines want to come together for warmth but when they come together, they have such sharp ‘spines’ that prick into others. That’s why they are called porcupines. They have such spines that immediately they come near each other they start piercing one another. You can just imagine when it gets cold and porcupines ought to come together! When they come together they prick one another. So they again go far from each other. They feel cold. So they again seek to come back together. Once they feel cold, they go back together. Do you see what I mean?
That’s what happens in marriage.
Day 5
Genesis2:18
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
The reason why you came together in marriage is because you really did not like the business of being single. You felt lonely and when God gave you somebody who could understand you and who was interested in you, you were so excited about it; you were eagerly waiting for the wedding day.
Sadly, many of us have ‘spines’. These spines can make us poke each other unwillingly. As long as the spouse was away, there is no problem. But when you started sharing a bedroom and you realized he has ‘spines’! Many issues that will come up only after the wedding! When you were courting you could not prick each other. Then suddenly, in marriage prick.
And that’s what happens in marriage. Because you are hurting, you want to go apart. But then you realize now you are tied in marriage for life.
Day 6
Genesis 25:22
The babies jostled each other within her, and she said, “Why is this happening to me?” So she went to inquire of the LORD
Marriage is a permanent relationship. Despite the spines, you have to keep coming back together and that becomes quite a challenge.
I am trying to say that in marriage you have to come together just like the porcupines during the cold weather want stay close to one another. But because of the spikes you have you keep poking each other. So, communication must be a method out of the hurting spines. If the porcupines are clever, they must look for a system that allows them to come together so that they are able to deal with the cold and yet not spike each other. Over a period of time they will finally discover a method.
So you actually wonder how these mammals procreate. How does the male porcupine conjugate with the female porcupine without spiking? You need to ask somebody who works with the wildlife!
But you need to understand that even in marriage, in the same way, we must find a method that allows us to come together without hurting one another.
Day 7
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Taking each other for granted is another issue in marriage. Many assume living happily will come easy.
How do you communicate so well, you get to know how not to hurt? Communication will be the method that will allow you to come together in such a way that you don’t hurt one another.
However, there is nothing that will come automatically. Sometimes you assume that as long as she is born again and I am born again, the relationship and the way to stay with each other will be automatic. Unfortunately you will discover despite being born again, you still hurt each other.
My wife Rebecca was born again when we met in the university. She had been born again for many years. Thus I just met her already saved, she found me saved, so when we married it sounded like two people who were saved can never disagree. So it surprised us, the first time we quarreled, it really surprised us because how could we, and yet we are born again, Spirit-filled and heavenly bound?
You should understand that there isn’t a marriage in heaven. Marriage is a very earthly affair and we are very human ourselves.