Sexual sin

Day 1 James 1:2

Trials and temptations

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

My biblical reactions to issues of compromise are three. Number one, the Bible says, not only should you not do actual sin, you should not even do something similar to sin. So, the Word of God is clear, a relationship between a married woman and somebody else who is not married to them yet, who camouflages to near being like a husband with no sex involved does not look like sin, it is only similar to sin. He is not a husband anyone else and you argue you are two consenting adults?

We have been told, not only to avoid sin, also avoid something similar to sin. The first thing is to challenge the person scripturally, to say, it may be true we are having our challenges proving it is sin but you are risking hell. Even if I don’t complain myself, God does not back this behavior. The idea of getting the things you are supposed to get from your marital home, elsewhere is evil. Now, these days I have actually gotten a word for it. It is called emotional infidelity. So, it has now got a name.

And although the question seems to be from women, some men reading this are emotionally unfaithful. There are people who have spouses, but when they really have a pain, it is to another man they go to share and although they don’t have any sex, that way they actually are involved in emotional infidelity. And remember what looked like a sin is sin.

So that’s the first thing to deal with because the reason why a woman will be like that or a man will be like that is that they don’t see anything wrong with it. Let’s say it is wrong.

But number two, I think it is important to understand that you can overdo anything. Some time back, I was talking to young people about spiritually harm by a relationship. One of the problems, is having a friend who is jealous and insecure. Don’t wait to drop him tomorrow, drop him today, because those are the people who end up killing wives due to jealousy. The moment they think that the girlfriend has talked to another man, they will not wait to verify. They will kill the girl and kill themselves. So that at least they don’t die, just leave them quietly.

So you need to be also careful that you do not start interpreting evil when your wife is working with someone. They have to go to Nakuru together for a job. And then you start saying there is emotional infidelity. If she can’t ever be with a man..how will she work? So you need evidence beyond suspicion for you to be acting rough with your wife. So that level of insecurity is a problem. If you are the one protecting your wife from men, it is going too far. You need to understand your marriage is protected by Jesus, and your wife is in Jesus’ hands.

Day 2

1 Thessalonians 3:3

so that no one would be unsettled by these trials. For you know quite well that we are destined for them.

You need to talk to God so that your marriage is not under your supervision. After all, if the reason she is with you is because you can beat her up when she talks to another man, that’s not a marriage, it is called a prison. Call it by the right name. For it to be a marriage, she must come freely and must enjoy your relationship freely not because of the fear of what you are likely to do.

You need to be very careful that you don’t start exhibiting signs of insecurity when you feel like everything is suspicion. And when you discover yourself having that problem, please know you require help. Not your wife, you. How come you are so insecure that whenever you see your wife or girlfriend with somebody you conclude evil? It is not her problem, it is your problem. And you will not enjoy your marriage because the moment she comes home, after you saw her with so and so, you can’t even talk. It is nail by mouth. Your marriage is spoilt not on evidence but on the basis of suspicion. You have a problem and you require help.

But immorality can happen.. So the real solution is for you to be totally available to your wife, number one. Number two, to use all skills you know on how to make her your friend. How did you win her initially? Go back to your shelf and your archives to fish those skills . How did you win her over? Win her over again. ‘…how did it begin, how did it get here? And if you are honest and you examine keenly, you may find the reason why that situation is there.

If it is something you have done, which is not right, that has created offence, it is good for you to own up and deal with it. There are things maybe nobody has been saying that are not being heard and probably do not just land on the air. One man was caught in a situation where he was affected, he was sleeping with another woman.

So if it is something you have done, which you know, it is good to own it up, to deal with it, give apology if that is what is needed. Then , make commitment that you will do better in the future, that is if you are the reason.

If you are not the reason, it is good to engage her.Find out what is the reason and ask for help for her.And I have said again and again, it is important to seek help the moment you consider a situation is almost getting out of hand. Your marriage will not survive if you refuse help. You will revenge by also having sex elsewhere and so destroy your marriage.Break this wall and get out of the cycle of blame game. ‘… couples must seek for help when they need it. Do not allow problems to pile up for a very long time. By the time he is exploding, they have gone beyond repair.

Day 3

2 Thessalonians 1:4

Therefore, among God’s churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.

Almost all the problems you wrestle with in marriage, they have been wrestled with by other people and they have won. There are even books that have been written about some of the problems we struggle with in marriage by those who struggled and they walked through and gained victory and insight. Usually they will be older.

So there is information available, you can cover ground and gain insight form books. But nothing beats submitting yourself to older people who have experience and understanding and ask, ‘€˜this situation how do I deal with it? It may be beyond you but not them.

Unfortunately No man remains a hero for his wife .You won her over and married her. There is surely something you did that made you stand out compared with all other men. So first go back to the file and check what it is, and revisit it and try to do better. But seek help if that is what you require. And if you have done wrong, own up, correct and recreate your life. Women are also generally very committed to their marriage. She knows if you are genuinely engaged and have changed and are intending and trying to do right hence forth. Pray to God first and she is likely to have more grace than you might imagine’…

What about it the wife in the wrong ? We should start by assuming it is okay for a woman to also apologize. That way, whenever she apologizes you will be very happy. Surprisingly happy. I think let’s be clear. The Word of God is absolutely clear. Repentance is a must.And that’s why the Bible told us to have the Lord’s Prayer as our pattern of prayer. It is a pattern for all our prayers. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. It doesn’t say those forgive those who repent, it doesn’t say those who apologize, it just means forgive people who hurt us.

Let me try to put it into a legal language. every time you say the Lord’s Prayer, you are saying, God, please don’t forgive me until and unless I forgive’… The moment I actually understand what I say in Lord’s Prayer, I started having difficulty saying the Lord’s Prayer. That I am pleading with God not to forgive me until I forgive others. And of course if we had the time we can discuss that whole subject forgiveness.

Day 4

1 Peter 1:6

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

Note Three things: number one, when you don’t forgive people because they are not apologizing, you carry a grudge and you are sinning against God. I hope I have established that. That if you are seated here and your uncle who took your land in 2004, you are still having a problem, you have never forgiven them, my friend you are sinning.

This is Because the Lord’s Prayer is saying, if you want to be forgiven you must forgive first. That does not mean you cannot take him to court because we don’t want to encourage thieves. But you can take him to court without bitterness for the reason you are taking him to court is not because you have a grudge, you don’t want him to go to hell. So you are trying to help him to understand stealing is bad. But do you know you can do it while you are having a grudge? That means you are actually having trouble with God.

Number two, when you do not forgive somebody especially because they don’t apologize, they have actually hurt you very badly, they don’t apologize, and they seem to not even care,it hurt you not them.

Somebody said, when you don’t forgive it is like preparing poison for this enemy, then taking the poison hoping the enemy will die. We call that foolish, isn’t it? That’s weird .If you have not forgiven somebody you are hurting your self.It doesn’t hurt them, it hurts you. In fact ,to be fair, when somebody who hurt you sees you unhappy,he is pleased. aaah nimekaweza! Please, if you don’t want to reward those evil people, simply forgive them. They will see you rejoice and wonder. I thought, he is supposed to be crying. How come he is not crying? Do you really want to annoy your enemy? Just don’t have a grudge. And they will not even know how to handle you.

So anyway, my point number two is that it is not in your interest not to forgive your spouse even if they don’t apologize. You will carry the grudge, you can’t sleep at night, then you will have stomach ulcers, so you cannot enjoy your food. You need to understand it is a selfish reason to forgive people who don’t repent. It is in your interest.

Thirdly and importantly, sometimes the reason the person is not apologizing, it is because they can’t see what’s big about what they did. Like somebody says something wrong about your mother. Then your wife believes it. Now, you are very, very hurt, because, how could she believe that about your mother. You are so annoyed and no more talking. Soon you fall into sexual sin as another woman comforts you.

But she has nothing to apologize about as far she is concerned. She believes that about your mother anyway. So how are you expecting her to apologize unless you expect her to be a liar? To be honest, she already knew before the other talked. And a lot of times, we are also the same, isn’t it? We don’t understand why our wives are so unhappy with us and what we said is factual about them or what they like . I can produce evidence we argue. So you need to understand sometimes there are many people who have bad relationships because they apologize too quickly. Sorry, sorry, sorry. About what? You feel insulted. When somebody haven’t even understood what is the issue. And your wife like a mechanical person might say, sorry, sorry, sorry. Now, take time to show her what she has done wrong. Then obviously, she might apologize. The moment she has understood how she has hurt you, that’s the end of your hurt.

Day 5

Romans 12

20 On the contrary:

‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head

Romans 12 says, vengeance is mine, says the Lord. So do sin because she sinned.So when you start behaving bad because she behaved badly, you are taking over God’s job. Love her although she is unlovable. Remember she could be evil. she could be like Hosea’s wife, isn’t it? Do you know what will happen? If you start loving people who are unlovable, who are difficult, Romans 12 says, it is like you are putting coals of fire. Have you read that part?

20 On the contrary:

‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.'[e]

The love will burn them. Not you but the coal. So do not find a way of always revenging and wanting to deal with a person that way. I have tried it for forty six years of my marriage. I know it is not easy. So I am not suggesting that I find it easy but I know that is God’s way

Of men too, when you ask for an apology you are asking to be told I am sorry rather them being sorry. Sometimes people are that naive. There are more ways of apologizing than saying I am sorry. So look out for the other signals as well. If your wife knows ‘… you love chapattis very much, and you come home and find she has made rather many chapattis and they are nice and kept nicely warm for you’… don’t you think she looking for forgiveness. When she is unhappy with you and foul, she will not make your best meal. Just like when sometimes you are sorry, you have done something wrong and your wife is annoyed’… and you are finding it difficult to say sorry but you know she loves ice cream bring home some ice cream. If I am bringing you ice cream, it shows I have no problem with you. I have apologized. So in a marriage, don’t always look for literal conveniences, allow the border engagements and processes that can communicate the same message you are looking for. When you see the signal, appreciate and thank God, and say thank you to the repentant party .

Day 6

2 Peter 2:9

If this is so, then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials and to hold the unrighteous for punishment on the day of judgment.

Some of the problems in marriage is caused by attitude that you bought your wife . She therefore must give you sex. You bought her for that . If not you feel you have the right to get it elsewhere.

Number one, I have gone through the scriptures, I have found dowry in the Old Testament, but no dowry in the New Testament. Just go through the gospels, you will find there is a lot of on marriage. You come to the letters of Paul, a lot of discussions about marriage. Peter, and Revelation is full of talk on marriage, isn’t it? But never about dowry. Somewhere in the move from the Old Testament Judaism to Christianity, dowry disappeared. So if you want to give dowry, do not give it as a Christian activity. And that’s the first thing you need to understand about dowry.

Oh, you know, especially during the wedding negotiations, they will quote Genesis chapter 24. Have you heard it? Where unfortunately, Isaac, Eleazar’… never paid any dowry. He told the story of his trip, the girls people were so impressed they said, this is of the Lord. Have the girl. After he had allowed to go with the girl, it is when he went outside and gave gifts to all except the father.

Dowry is not something you give voluntarily. Dowry is demanded for it bride price.So dowry, you cannot use Isaac as an example of dowry. So it is very important you establish that. That dowry, it is not a Christian activity, and unless you are in Judaism. Understand it is not a religious activity among christians.

Number two, unfortunately we assume dowry is traditional, exchange of gifts, no big deal. But in a lot of cultures, it is religion. Like now currently among Kikuyus, a lot of people are being told the reason why your child got sick or the reason you got cancer is because the dowry of your great grandmother was unpaid. You know they are calling it thiri wa ngomi, the debt of the ancestors.

Day 7

Deuteronomy 18

10 Let no one be found among you who sacrifices their son or daughter in the fire, who practises divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, 11 or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead. 12 Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord; because of these same detestable practices the Lord your God will drive out those nations before you. 13 You must be blameless before the Lord your God.

Actually to discover how much the spirits want you to to give you have to go a diviner. Who then can talk to the spirits of the dead. So you need to understand dowry is demonically connected to the spits of the dead . It is connected with spiritual forces.

That’s why they also say , if you pay dowry more money than the guy who is dead received, the dead will visit you in the night. So that’s why you cannot pay more money for a girl than the mother was paid for because it is not simply exchange of gifts . The spirits are recording and will enforce it.It is a demonic spiritual activity. And that’s why to me I do not accept dowry, and I do not give dowry.

Gifts are ok. And there is a total difference between gifts and dowry. Dowry is connecting with spiritual forces. But if you give the same money now as a gift, it is a totally different thing . When you give dowry, if that marriage breaks the money must be refunded.but If you give a gift, it is not even written anywhere.it will not be refunded.You have lost it.

So I would rather give a gift than dowry. See also 1 Corinthians 7:39. Please go and look at it. It contradicts the Old Testament days of dowry. It says, if a woman loses her husband, she is free to marry or not to marry. But if she chooses to marry, she can only marry a Christian. Are you getting the message? In the Old Testament and our cultures , once dowry was paid, the girl was inherited by the clan.

Similarly, I am now talking to my agemates, if you accept dowry, the moment her husband dies, not to leave that family unless you return dowry because now she must be married by one of the brothers. If you have no intention for your daughter to go that route , why are you receiving dowry? 1 Corinthians 7:39 is saying, no.

39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

In Christianity, marriage is over, the moment a guy dies. That’s why it is a useless question to ask your wife, if I die will you marry somebody else? That’s a meaningless question. The Bible is saying you have her until death do us part. And then after that she is free of you. She can marry, not marry, the choice is hers. Except that the person she marries must be a Christian. In the light of 7:39 and wonder, how can a Christian give dowry or receive dowry?

When the boys family visit the brides home it is so to tell them’…’ So we would like you to accept our gift as a gift, not dowry. And then please give us permission so that we can go to the pastor for the wedding to follow’.

You know some people are thinking that once you pay dowry you can sleep with a girl. Not for Christian couple.. It is very important to understand the Word of God says, let what God has joined together, no man puts asunder. And clan elders do not represent God. Only a pastor represents God. So even if you have paid dowry, if pastor has not wedded you, wait.

So I am saying, even if you are giving a lot, don’t call it dowry, call it gift. And that means from then onwards you will continue helping your wife’s family without writing it, because now that father is also your father, isn’t it? So there will be never a discussion about what you give. You will give according to the new couples ability over time… You pay dowry, you connect yourself with the spirits of the dead. You can take my book: Christianity and culture. I have tried to cover the subject well .